Sunday, 15 February 2015

Flumps | Life

"We can't take you anywhere"
"How do you manage to break everything!?"
"These are the reasons you should not be allowed to date"
and my absolute favourite,
"This is why you can't have nice things Amy!"

My name is Amy, but, like many others, I have another name that has accompanied me for as long as I have been known to this world, Flumps. Right, let me stop your trail of thought here, you may be thinking 'oh how lovely! What nice parents giving their child a nickname after a marshmallow, she must have been such a sweet child all squishy and cute' you're wrong, you are all wrong, you see, Flumps is an abbreviation for 'flumpy bumpy' - you can see what I'm getting at now can't you. I consistently had plasters littering my skin, hiding the ugly cuts and scars I had obtained from running down my road too fast and scraps with my brothers. From a young age I had experienced many traumatic events involving concrete harry potter lamps and precariously placed slides (need I say more). However, fortunately as I grew up I realised my severe lack in balance was compensated for (or should I say, complimented by) an immense skill of pure incoordination. It was this realisation that led me to understand I absolutely needed to stop hurtling off as fast as I could and assuming I could climb trees and drive go-karts just as well as my (very coordinated) brothers. But here is my dilemma, you see, you can walk as slow as you like but you will never not be clumsy, you are cursed my friend, I assure you. I had decided that if I was going to be clumsy my whole life, I would at least attempt to be careful and slow, to give myself a fighting chance of being at balance with the universe. Unfortunately sometimes the world is just out to trip you up. Face first.

Alas, this is not the worst of it all. The main problem that has been haunting me since I hit adolescence- I do not know how to look like I belong. I cannot for the life of me, pretend to be posh or sophisticated, without tripping over my own feet or getting far too drunk than the situation allows. I went on a date and literally managed to get my nandos absolutely everywhere apart from the inside of my mouth. I am that person. Not that that's a bad thing at all, we had a very happy relationship and I knew he could put up with me after I was covered in piri piri sauce and sobbed through the least emotional film ever & afterwards he still wanted to touch my bum. Hmm, maybe I need to rethink the men I date.. ANYWAY, sidetrack much? As I was saying, I do not know how to fit in, I am not a chameleon in the slightest. I stood in the middle of a train station in Venice looking as lost as I felt, I practically had "IM TOTALLY FOREIGN AND SO LOST, HELP ME OR STEAL ALL MY MONEY, I WON'T STOP YOU" tattooed across my forehead (thank heavens for Emma!). So this is it, this is the point I've been getting to, when you don't know how to act properly in a situation and your normal choreography and communication between your legs and your hands goes along to the tune of 'humpty dumpty', then, your life is guaranteed to be filled with drawers full of cracked pieces of technology (or in my instance, a laptop I dropped in the bath, two cracked Ipads, three smashed phones and an obliterated ipod- yikes.) and the closest thing to dinner dates that you experience is sitting in your friends front room with a Dominoes. It's not the best life, I am almost never invited out to posh restaurants- at least not by people who have been out & about with me long enough to realise what an atrocious idea it would be. And I don't like to get myself nice things, because let's face it the only thing I can handle, without damaging it, is my car, and I even skidded off the road in that the other day. To put it plainly, my life is consistent wincing and cringing at the next embarrassing scenario that's just waiting round the corner.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

WISH LIST | Fashion

So I have finally got a job again after bumming around and travelling (yay) and so naturally all my good spending and saving habits have gone straight out the window and I subsequently have probably, the absolute longest list of things to buy than I have ever had before! I thought I'd put together a list of my top picks and where the best places to get them are and how to make your pennies go a little further with some tips & tricks.


I absoluuuuutely adore this bag and guess what (cheeky cheeky) its actually a fake! It's from a website called and they make the most gorgeous really super high quality fakes you have ever seen (take that Turkey!) I am adoring everything on this website at the moment, they have everything from Louboutins to Hermes bags! You can even request a special order for any fake you want handmade for you. Love love love it! From luxury tastes they sell this bag at £120 whereas for the real thing it normally retails at around £1,400, and I swear you would not even notice the difference!
Michael Kors watches, yes how cliche, but I still love them! Rose gold is my all time favourite colour to accessorise with (it even features on my mulberry) So I'm loving this cheeky little number at the moment. And this is where wowcher comes in handy, they seem to have deals on Michael Kors watches allllll the time. At the moment I think they're £149 down from £259. Big up the bargain hunting.
Holographic backpack £19.99
White backpack £39.99
Beige croc shoulder bag £21.99
Purple croc bag £21.99
I don't have any clever coupons or alternate websites to discount these goodies, but I do think if you're looking for a good quality bag that is sooooo pretty, you need look no further. La Moda is all you need. I have a long wish list from La Moda at this moment, I just seem to be going through a bag stage! I really love their bag styles and they're at such a reasonable price too. I really love this website, it's probably one of my favourite places to purchase accessories from, their necklaces and rings are so on point and their shoes are to die for! (I shall include some in my next wish list!)


Jimmy Choo - Blossom
I'm loving this scent for Summer, it's so sweet and fruity, definitely my kind of sweet-shop-trademark-scent. I love their packaging, my Jimmy Choo flash looks so pretty on my dressing table and I'm super excited to add this one to my collection. Normally I would advise using allbeauty for all your beauty purchases, but unfortunately they don't stock this perfume (yet!) It is such a great website that sell all your beauty essentials at a slightly more affordable price! (Tangle Teezer's for £8?! - yes please!) as they don't stock it I would recommend going to Boots or Superdrug and making the most of their reward points- they add up quick!
Dior- Hypnotic Poison
This is probably the perfume I've been lusting after for the longest period of time, ever. Because it's normally £96 (£74.95 on allbeauty!) for 100ml I have been refraining from making the purchase, I'm just gunna have to wait until I've got enough Boots points! It's a super rich vanilla-like scent and it just oozes classiness (as it should with that price tag!)
Maybelline- Color Drama Intense Velvet lip Pencil in Nude Perfection
Sometimes, nothing beats a good high street lippy, with brands such as Nars and Mac being out of most peoples budgets, its bliss when we can find products that rival and occasionally out-compete those with the hefty price tag! I have a long list (& collection) of high street make up that I deem to be dupes for some of the more upmarket products (I will definitely do a blog post on this!). Whenever possible I'm always trying to search out the best products at the best price and of course sometimes you do pay for the quality, but when you know where to look it can be just as easy to find really great products that produce the same look. At the moment I'm eyeing up this lip pencil, I've swatched it so many times and adore the colour, feel and the finish. I've read so many blogs raving about this, comparing it to the Nars Satin and Matte Lip Pencils so I cannot wait to take it for a spin.

Real Techniques Bold Metal Brushes
Okay, for real- who isn't lusting after these brushes right now?! They look so effortlessly stylish and classy and let's face it- we all know they're going to be fantastic brushes, because when has Real Techniques ever let us down?! With their prices climbing from £10 to £25 per brush (ouch) I would definitely advise waiting it out a bit- Superdrug & Boots do tend to have offers on Real Techniques constantly so I'm sure it won't be long until these brushes are included in a cheeky 3 for 2! (I can dream!) If you really can't wait I'm thinking these will make a lovely little once-a-month-treat. 

Feeling like that post was retail therapy in itself...
Happy shopping guys, hope you got some good little tips on websites and ways to save yourself some dosh whilst still crossing off your own wish list.


Monday, 2 February 2015

The Things I Should Have Said | Life

12:30 am, 2 bottles of wine, rounds of tequila shots and endless vodka and lemonades down, here we find ourselves. Four girls, stuffed in between the walls of a tiny toilet cubicle in the middle of a bustling club. Heels up to our waists, eyelashes sweeping the ceiling, bodies distorted by clever underwear, misrepresenting the dimensions of our waist-lines. Here we are. All made up & let's face it, after that many units, starting to fall apart. It's your friends turn this week and you can recall only a few weeks back you were sitting in her place, astride the toilets grimy lid, sobbing your eyes out, all the while ensuring your fake eyelashes don't try to use your cheek as a slip and slide. Does this situation sound familiar? I would imagine so. I've lost track the amount of times I have been in this particular circumstance, giving reassuring pats to strangers and friends alike, telling them that they are beautiful, he's not worth it and honestly, you do have amazing hair. That night, well, that night I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake her by her pretty little shoulders and make her see sense. Every time I have been squashed in a cubicle, sitting on a pavement outside, every time I have been giving lectures over a drunken mcdonalds at 4 in the morning or a shoulder to cry on in the taxi home. Every single time this happens, my beautiful, wonderful friends have been tearing themselves apart over the fact that boy was a dick, again, or their jeans don't button up anymore, or they are so sure they have a wonky eye, and, lets face it, most of the time, its the whole, not enough boys came up to me tonight and offered to buy me drinks- not enough men found me suitably fuckable, even after pasting make up over my face and not eating all week, just to be able to wear a tight dress. And let me get this in now, I am a hypocrite. I too, after my weekly prescription of shots, do occasionally find myself in an emotional mess, make up melting down my face, wanting nothing else but more alcohol and a bloody kebab.
But it was this night that something so forceful that I had buried deep inside of me poked itself out from where it had been hiding and nestled into my brain, it absolutely demanded to be heard. I had an overwhelming urge to shout at my friend, I wanted to scream in her face, I wanted to tell her when I looked at her it had never once phased me that she was two dress sizes bigger than when we first met, that when I'm chatting to her I'm not thinking about her perfectly angled eyebrows or if her fake tan is patchy. I wanted to tell her that she was worth so much more than the fact her thighs have got thicker,  she was worth the amazing artist that she is, I should have told her how much I admired her courage and the strength it took to leave university, because she knew her own mind better than the people who tried to tame her.  I love that she is hands down the best shopping companion I have ever had, how she never fails to make me laugh and she always gives the best advice and we all know she loves us cause she has such a big heart. I guess I just wanted to tell her that instead of resting all her self confidence on all those lousy men on the other side of the wall, who, lets face it, could offer her nothing more than a bad haircut, shouty car and a sports BTEC, instead of determining her own value through the number of drinks she gets bought and guys that look over, she should look at who she is and her wonderful brain and personality and she should be ecstatic, drunk off the fact that she is a stunning person, whose friends and family love her unconditionally because of how she thinks and what she says, not because of her new haircut.
I didn't say that, I didn't say any of it. Instead I opened my mouth and reassured her we all feel a bit crap about our bodies, so lets get healthy together, gym trips together. I told her that she was beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have her. I did not lie, but I did not say what I should have. Alas, the early hours of the morning, preaching to three drunken, emotional girls, is not the time to break all that society has bought us up to believe in. Because who do we think we are, to believe that we could ever be more than a sexual object right? It's a changing world out there, every day women are smashing the expectations and moulds set for them, we are making something of ourselves, and, hell yeah, we look damn good when we're doing it. Every day remarkable people are proving themselves to be more than an object for the sexual gratification of men, women stop competing with other women for the attention of men, they stop ripping each other down and start holding each other up. This is not a Man vs Woman war, this is not a feminist issue. This is challenging the ideals society has set up.

I mean, for fucks sake, you are worth more than your hair.

So this is for those three girls in the toilet cubicle, this is for all my friends I haven't seen in a while, all my friends I am yet to meet, this is for all the strangers I've met on nights out, this is for anyone who has felt like their own value rests solely on their appearance, this is for all of you and this is what I should have said.

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